Review - Everybody hurts

A book review. A book review?! Apart from the mass of ‘arty farty encyclopaedias and design tutorials, there’s not much that’s makes for good reading in this abode - Unless you count the Dog the bounty hunter biography which, by the way is awesome! Having heard the awkward underground chatter about ‘Everybody hurts’, it was a pleasant surprise to see it sitting innocently on the book table of HMV’s across Scotland.



What’s initially appealing about the book are its writers. Leslie Simons and Trevor Kelley backgrounds and experience make them more than qualified to spell out the facts, the hilarity and the dam right stereotypical traits of what it is to be emo. Let’s face it. Everyone has someone emo within their circle of friends. Fact. For this reason even the toughest of action heroes (I’m looking at you Bruce Willis) could pick up this book and laugh.

So how can these two write 234 pages about being emo? Well without ruining the plot, emo isn’t just about the angle of your senior style comb over. It’s a life style. It’s about the books on your makeshift shelf, the DVD’s stacked on your television, the tempeh in your vegan diet and the threads that adorn you exercise deprived back. It’s a movement like any other, just a movement that is rarely written about.
Maybe it’s because the word emo has so many connotations depending on your generation, location or general prior brushes with this three-letter demon that more people take as an insult rather then compliment. This however, is what makes this book so endearing. Even though it has a light-hearted feel, it does go back to the foundations of the emo era and disescts how today’s scene became what it is

Even if they may not look it from the outset, this book will show you that even the most un emo looking people may be just like you! (William Shakespeare. Who would of thought?!) The quirky side notes and sarcastic remarks throughout this read are laugh our loud funny (or ‘LOL’ as the cool kids call it) The jokes are internationally understandable to emo audiences the world over (unlike the humour of Family guy). So if you fancy an education on the socially awkward or jut a good laugh, this book is for you.

*By Gina – who understands this is late, but we are a bit slow.

How To Get Your Band Taken Like, Really, Super Duper Seriously

Want to show the world your musical act is the real deal? That you're not just a bunch of post-emo pansies, and that you're like, sooooooo totally deep? It's much easier than you might believe.


Obviously, as a band of musicians, it is of utmost importance that you begin your transformation into a Serious Band with your outward appearance. There are a couple of ways to accomplish this, but it's best if you combine all of the following:

- All of you must dye your hair black. Aryans do not have feelings, do not have thoughts, do not have even the slightest hint of cognitive or emotional ability. Emotions and thoughts are for like, gays.

- All of you must wear black t-shirts. Not black pants, though. What do you want to do, be like, goth or something? So old. And like, really gay.

- One of you must wear more eyeliner than the byproduct of the post-nookie pillowcase stains of Dave Navarro and Jenna Jameson. Not all of you, because that would be overkill. And that might look... You know... Gay. And you're totally not gay. You hate gays. You know for a fact that gays killed the dinosaurs, and even though you've never heard them before, you have to make sure everyone knows you listen to T-Rex.

- Your frontman should, after roughly a year, decide black hair isn't working and Prell his way back to blonde roots. Chicks dig blonde guys. The rest of you need to grow it out, because roots look punk. Not that you're punk. Punk and hair dye, you'll decide, are for stupid girly bands. And gays.


Next in your quest not for "rockstardom," but like, really serious musicianship is your stage show.

- You must--must--thrash a great deal. Otherwise, you'll sound like, emo. And emo is for gays.

- When you introduce songs, do so ambiguously. Being obvious is for punks, and you're not a loser fag pop-punker. "This is a song about a girl" will not work for you, because your songs are like, never about girls. Singing about girls is for gays.


Finally, your songwriting has to be like, really, really deep. Like, Marianas Trench deep, brah.

- You really need to use metaphors. "The world is an open herpes sore on my parched lower lip" would be lyrical genius. If you're discussing a relationship, you need to mask it under this same literary device, because you shouldn't even be doing it to begin with. "She's a Motel Six in need of a sugar fix" works nicely.

- Nickelback are your rolemodels as far as music goes. You need to be as unique, as groundbreaking, as innovative, and as evolutionary as these greats. Except you're going to be even better, because you have a keyboard. Not a synth, though, because synths are gay.





By Jess, who recently acquired tan lines