Love Songs That Aren't

In honor of St. Valentine's Day (you do know he was beheaded, right? Really romantic!), I've devised a list of songs that would horrify couples if they actually paid attention to (or understood) the lyrics while slowdancing.

"I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston, Dolly Parton
Despite the title, this is actually a breakup song. "It's Not You, It's Me" didn't flow as well with the melody.

"You Really Got a Hold On Me" - Percy Sledge
"I don't like you, but I love you" is something a kid says to their brother in an awkward, rare moment of bonding. It is not something you say to a lover when things are going well.

"How Do I Live" - LeAnn Rimes, Trisha Yearwood
Not only is there not a single rhyme anywhere in this song--seriously, check--but it's disturbing. You live the way anyone else would. You consume, you respirate. This is not a love song. It is a dependency song. It is a needy song. Ew, neediness. Gross.

"Your Song" - Elton John
Ladies, if a man really loved you? He'd know for sure what color your damn eyes are. Then again, that song wasn't written for us...

"Thinking of You" - Katy Perry
That's really cute. "When I'm boning him, I'm actually picturing you." That'll win him over!

"Love Story" - Taylor Swift
Listen, I like Taylor Swift. I think she's got an amazing ear for hooks and that she's almost ridiculously pretty. But this song just doesn't make sense. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves. Hester Prynne ("I was a scarlet letter") was an adulterer. This love story probably ends with herpes. Or worse.

"Every Breath You Take" - The Police
I am absolutely playing this at my wedding. I want whoever I'm marrying to know that if and when we break up, I will always know where he sleeps, but will maintain just enough distance to avoid violating my restraining order.


*By Jess, who actually loves Valentine's Day. Must be all the red.

Dear Katy Perry,

You didn't get shafted, sweetheart. You got lucky.

As a manufactured posterchild for AutoTune, the fact that you even received a Grammy nomination in the Best Female Pop Vocal Performance category, despite not being able to sing live to save your life, is a pretty big deal. For you to then post a blog entry implying that you got "shafted" when you were "shut out" of the other categories is an insult. It's an insult to my ears and to the industry that morphed you from an attention-starved blonde Christian artist who can't sing to an attention-starved brunette pseudopinup who still can't sing but has good producers.

Any number of artists would kill just to get signed, let alone nominated for a Grammy in any one category, and this is how you thank the Academy?

Katy, you're not Kanye. Establish some credibility as an artist instead of as a puppet. Learn to sing live instead of jumping into cakes. Use your vocal chords to do your job instead of running your over-lipsticked mouth. The right to throw a tantrum is reserved to those with talent. Stop biting the hands that feed you, or you'll soon be starving--and you'll deserve that more than any award I can imagine.

Love,

*Jess, who is transparently biased.

WARPED TOUR 2008

For music loving kids across the country the summer is more than just an opportunity to sleep late, it’s a season jam packed with tours and festivals showcasing the year’s greatest musical acts. One of the summer’s hottest tickets and a tour that certainly stands out among the rest is Van’s Warped Tour (which happens to be truckin’ through its 14th summer). Those that have attended this particular tour in the past know that it’s a day filled with tightly packed crowds, excessive merchandise purchases, being covered in sweat (your sweat and the sweat of about a thousand other individuals), minimal cell service, but mainly it’s a day you get the heart pounding experience of watching some of your favorite bands take the stage.


This year Warped Tour is decked out with appearances by bands such as The Bouncing Souls, Cobra Starship, We The Kings, Gym Class Heroes, Sky Eats Airplane, and Katy Perry to name a few. With such a diverse line up, this year’s tour gave bands the opportunity to play to more than just their target audience. Warped Tour always does a tremendous job of opening ears to new bands and genres.


After attending multiple dates and mingling with the masses I found that the quality of bands were of the upper crust of listening entertainment, but like every festival there were a few that REALLY stood out and left me with that “post show glow.” (Side Bar- By “post show glow” I mean that feeling you have after watching something truly spectacular happen on the stage before you- it’s that happiness emanating from your person and that fluttery feeling in your stomach.) Here’s a glimpse at what makes Warped Tour the summer fest to be reckoned with-

Warped Tour "Band of the Year"- THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA


In the past few months one has become hard pressed to walk through a mall or down the street without spotting at least one person sporting this bands eye catching merch. Since the release of their latest album titled Plagues the band has been launched into a whirlwind of success which shows no signs of letting up. In the past year The Devil Wears Prada has completed tours with bands such as Scary Kids Scaring Kids and Chiodos; for this summer’s Warped Tour the band has been contracted to the Hurley stage where they have been performing in and amongst All Time Low, We the Kings, The Color Fred, and several more.




While their CD speaks novels about the talent and potential this band possesses, it is their epic live performance that will catch the attention and captivate the ears of any music lover. Each member brings a unique energy and vibe to the stage that enhances the overall performance. The instrumentals featured on the album are intricate and full, they are just as powerful and impressive in a live setting. Vocally this band is a powerhouse; Mike has a “gravely” vocal range that rivals the most talented in the industry and produces shockwaves that add more depth and personality to the mainly heavy sounding songs the band is notorious for. Guitarist Jeremy, contributes the more melodic vocal parts, providing catchy interludes and choruses. Jeremy’s voice is certainly unique, and can send chills down your spine; his voice stands out brilliantly against the harsh growls of screamer Mike. The tonal departure from Mike’s growls creates an impermeable hold on your attention and allows for the transition to more melodic riffs and breakdowns in the instrumentals.



Before the band even took the stage kids were gathering in front of the Hurley stage, packing themselves in tightly with hopes to push their way to the front. They opened up with what seemed to be a crowd favorite, “Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over” and played other crowd pleasers such as their Punk Goes Crunk cover, “Still Fly”, and their two hit singles “HTML Rulez Dood” and “Hey John, What’s Your Name Again?” as their set came to a close I could see that they delivered everything the crowd came for. Day after day this band takes the stage and leaves kids with that feeling of confidence and joy, this band seems to be doing with ease what some bands work a lifetime to achieve; they are leaving a musical impression and inspiring youth with their words and music. The band is talented enough to leave this impression on their listeners and onlookers, yet they are humble enough to acknowledge they still want to take their music to new levels; they still want to climb musical mountains. I say with confidence that The Devil Wears Prada is my pick for Warped Tour’s Band of the Year.






COMING SOON!
-Warped Tour's Random Surprise
-Tour Clowns
-Breakin' Out!
-Oldie But Goodie
-Rookie? No Way?!


**By Amanda who had more fun at this year's Warped Tour than any other year she attended...

"One of the Boys" is right.

Katy Perry's solo major label debut, One of the Boys, demonstrates that on major labels, music is a business--not an art.

For one, works of art don't come with press kits the size of Dostoyevsky novels.

More importantly: Art is generally original, whereas Perry's works mainly bite off of other mainstream pop acts. Her heavily rotating single, "I Kissed a Girl," tackles the heavy issue of Girls Gone Wild-era bisexuality; a more convincing and believable ode to experimentation would be "Oh My God" by Pink--incidentally, quite a few of Perry's hooks are reminiscent to Ms. Alecia Moore's as well. When she's not pulling a Pink, Perry morphs into a prettier Kelly Clarkson ("Waking Up in Vegas," an admitted pop gem) or Avril Lavigne ("Thinking of You").

Armed with a dream team of producers from Planet Verge favorite Butch Walker to pop monster maker Max Martin, Perry's strained vocals skip along lyrics that are indeed catchy--but not quite as clever as she wants us to think. From "Hot N' Cold's" line "You PMS like a bitch / I would know" to nearly all of "Ur So Gay" and "I Kissed a Girl," Perry proves she's one of the boys in that she has the lyrical capacity of a middle school male.

Katy Perry's record may not be good for the furthering of the arts, but she's great for big business.

...Just don't expect her to shatter any glass ceilings.

*By Jess, who is wearing keyboard-print flip flops.