Don't cross the bridge into music. Just go down the river.

Just because someone fills out a gown nicely and is passable as an actor or actress, it does not mean they can carry a tune to save his or her life.

Jennifer Lopez? Let's hear her sing live without backing tracks, without dancing, without Marc, without spectacle. Keanu Reeves? Please, how many of you know who Dogstar are? Lindsay and Ali Lohan? Really? Hilary Duff, while I think she's classy and refined and adorable, can't sing live worth dung. While Emmy Rossum does a pretty convincing Imogen Heap ripoff, very few actors and actresses are capable of producing quality tunes.

The latest on the list is Scarlett Johansson. Her video for "Falling Down," a Tom Waits cover, has hit the Internets in a storm, and frankly, it sucks. Here's why:

1) The broad can't sing. Even under all the production and multilayered tracks, she sounds like a constipated chronic smoker.
2) What a waste of David Bowie's talent. If he sang the entire track, as opposed to backing vocals, we might actually have a good song on our hands.
3) What the Hell is she doing in this video? Great, you got your hair done. Great, you're putting your makeup on. Great, fans give you flowers. But um, why are you blowing pensive gum bubbles and hanging out with Salman Rushdie? Salman Rushdie? No, seriously. What the Hell?

*By Jess, whose virgin eyes are trying really hard to ignore the visuals below.