My bite is just as bad as my bark.

I, Jessica Sager, at the age of twenty years and eight months, just got orthodontic braces.

Apparently my dentist never noticed that I still had a baby tooth, and as a result, the canine that was supposed to come in its place became "impacted," meaning it never came down and is just chillin' out inside my gum. Now the adult tooth doesn't have enough room to emerge, so everything has to be moved over. My dentist would have gone on not noticing this had I not asked him if he knew why my teeth in that area felt more sensitive than usual. My dentist is a douchebag.

A problem that most people resolve in junior high is now being dealt with entering my junior year of college. Even I don't procrastinate that much.

I am still in shock at my transformation from Jessica Sager to Paul Wall in drag, and I've been listening to John Mayer, who will not love me for two years now, and weeping since leaving the office with a mouthful of Pantera.

On the bright side... Wait, what bright side? I went from a 5 to a 2, at best a butterface 4. The only silver lining I can find is the one connecting my brackets.


*By Jess, who has no desire to leave the house for 731 days.