Love Songs That Aren't

In honor of St. Valentine's Day (you do know he was beheaded, right? Really romantic!), I've devised a list of songs that would horrify couples if they actually paid attention to (or understood) the lyrics while slowdancing.

"I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston, Dolly Parton
Despite the title, this is actually a breakup song. "It's Not You, It's Me" didn't flow as well with the melody.

"You Really Got a Hold On Me" - Percy Sledge
"I don't like you, but I love you" is something a kid says to their brother in an awkward, rare moment of bonding. It is not something you say to a lover when things are going well.

"How Do I Live" - LeAnn Rimes, Trisha Yearwood
Not only is there not a single rhyme anywhere in this song--seriously, check--but it's disturbing. You live the way anyone else would. You consume, you respirate. This is not a love song. It is a dependency song. It is a needy song. Ew, neediness. Gross.

"Your Song" - Elton John
Ladies, if a man really loved you? He'd know for sure what color your damn eyes are. Then again, that song wasn't written for us...

"Thinking of You" - Katy Perry
That's really cute. "When I'm boning him, I'm actually picturing you." That'll win him over!

"Love Story" - Taylor Swift
Listen, I like Taylor Swift. I think she's got an amazing ear for hooks and that she's almost ridiculously pretty. But this song just doesn't make sense. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves. Hester Prynne ("I was a scarlet letter") was an adulterer. This love story probably ends with herpes. Or worse.

"Every Breath You Take" - The Police
I am absolutely playing this at my wedding. I want whoever I'm marrying to know that if and when we break up, I will always know where he sleeps, but will maintain just enough distance to avoid violating my restraining order.


*By Jess, who actually loves Valentine's Day. Must be all the red.