Tuesday, June 05, 2007
How To Get Your Band Taken Like, Really, Super Duper Seriously
Want to show the world your musical act is the real deal? That you're not just a bunch of post-emo pansies, and that you're like, sooooooo totally deep? It's much easier than you might believe.
Obviously, as a band of musicians, it is of utmost importance that you begin your transformation into a Serious Band with your outward appearance. There are a couple of ways to accomplish this, but it's best if you combine all of the following:
- All of you must dye your hair black. Aryans do not have feelings, do not have thoughts, do not have even the slightest hint of cognitive or emotional ability. Emotions and thoughts are for like, gays.
- All of you must wear black t-shirts. Not black pants, though. What do you want to do, be like, goth or something? So old. And like, really gay.
- One of you must wear more eyeliner than the byproduct of the post-nookie pillowcase stains of Dave Navarro and Jenna Jameson. Not all of you, because that would be overkill. And that might look... You know... Gay. And you're totally not gay. You hate gays. You know for a fact that gays killed the dinosaurs, and even though you've never heard them before, you have to make sure everyone knows you listen to T-Rex.
- Your frontman should, after roughly a year, decide black hair isn't working and Prell his way back to blonde roots. Chicks dig blonde guys. The rest of you need to grow it out, because roots look punk. Not that you're punk. Punk and hair dye, you'll decide, are for stupid girly bands. And gays.
Next in your quest not for "rockstardom," but like, really serious musicianship is your stage show.
- You must--must--thrash a great deal. Otherwise, you'll sound like, emo. And emo is for gays.
- When you introduce songs, do so ambiguously. Being obvious is for punks, and you're not a loser fag pop-punker. "This is a song about a girl" will not work for you, because your songs are like, never about girls. Singing about girls is for gays.
Finally, your songwriting has to be like, really, really deep. Like, Marianas Trench deep, brah.
- You really need to use metaphors. "The world is an open herpes sore on my parched lower lip" would be lyrical genius. If you're discussing a relationship, you need to mask it under this same literary device, because you shouldn't even be doing it to begin with. "She's a Motel Six in need of a sugar fix" works nicely.
- Nickelback are your rolemodels as far as music goes. You need to be as unique, as groundbreaking, as innovative, and as evolutionary as these greats. Except you're going to be even better, because you have a keyboard. Not a synth, though, because synths are gay.
By Jess, who recently acquired tan lines